Whose life is it anyway?
February is the month of love and the focus is usually on showing your significant other how much you care for them. Whether you go for the candle-lit dinner, the roses, or some other token of affection, you will find pressure to demonstrate your feelings.
When do you show the same level of affection for yourself?
We have clients who regularly put the needs of others first. They ensure that their family, colleagues, team members, and friends come first in their thinking and planning. This may seem admirable from the outside. The selflessness! And of course, it is very handy for the people who have their needs met and get what they want.
There is a saying that ‘charity begins at home’ which started somewhere around the 16th century. The same should be true for love. We are not talking about ego and narcissism which is having a preoccupation with your own needs, often at the expense of others.
We are talking about loving yourself enough to ensure that your own needs are met. How is that different? As humans, we have a need to be safe, to belong and be loved, to be respected and valued (Maslow Hierarchy of Needs).
You were given this one precious life (as far as we know) and it is up to you as to how you use it. Do you want to be the doormat that others walk over as they knock on the door of opportunity that leads to success and achievement? Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean that you cannot assist them to open the door, but when they move on it makes a difference how you feel about yourself.
If you are always tired because you are busy running around after others, how does this serve you? What are the lessons here about showing generosity and helping others, and the appreciation and respect that goes alongside it? This is particularly true often in the way that people bring up their children.
How does doing everything for them, clearing every obstacle enable them to build up their own resilience skills?
What kind of adults are we creating for the world? Having boundaries is a way to protect ourselves and to enable others to respect us for our values and principles. There are hard boundaries that are non-negotiable and permeable boundaries that allow us to flex to meet situations and circumstances that arise. Learning to say no is key to taking care of ourselves.
Every time we say yes to something, we are saying no to something else. When you agree to go to an event that you do not want to attend, you are saying no to a quiet relaxing evening at home. When you say no to working late, you are saying yes to spending time with your family.
Many years ago, someone shared the following quote with me, and I have shared it with many clients as a way of valuing time and saying no graciously. This can be applied at work and in your personal life.
Be ruthless with time and gracious with people.
(Anonymous)
We often say that respect is earned, if you don’t respect yourself then you are inviting others to not respect you either. If you feel this blog is talking about you, why not get in touch: info@chameleonskills.com or visit our website.
Live your life fully. Those who love you will be happy for you, and the others don’t count.
(Anonymous)