Essential Conversations: How to Balance Care and Accountability at Work
You notice a team member is underperforming. Do you ignore it and hope it improves — or risk damaging the relationship by addressing it? That’s the dilemma leaders face every day.
We all know these tricky moments. They’re the conversations you’d rather avoid, the ones that make you want to bury your head in the sand. But issues rarely disappear on their own.
Many books talk about difficult or crucial conversations. Those titles are enough to make anyone feel tense. At Chameleon Skills, we have renamed them Essential Conversations. Once you recognise that a conversation is essential, the task becomes planning how to hold it clearly and respectfully, so the relationship stays intact. Egos may bruise, but no relationship has to die.
“The most important conversations you’ll ever have are the ones you’d rather avoid.”
Why These Conversations Are Essential
What makes them “essential”? Because not having them creates bigger problems down the line.
We often wrestle with an inner struggle: we care about a person and don’t want to upset them, yet we need their behaviour to change. This is an intrapersonal conflict within us. And if left unresolved, it can spill into interpersonal conflict with the other person.
Robert Glazer describes this tension as Relational Integrity when you are holding two truths at once: caring for the person and holding them accountable. It means leaning on the strength of the relationship to have honest, respectful conversations rather than avoiding them.
A Common Leadership Dilemma
Most leaders have faced this: a likeable team member who simply isn’t performing. If we allow non-performance to continue, we send a message to the rest of the team: this behaviour is acceptable. Others may see it as favouritism, which can erode trust and weaken culture. Avoiding the conversation doesn’t just impact one relationship, it undermines the team and your credibility as a leader.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
How to Approach an Essential Conversation
Keep the relationship as the foundation. The reason you want to resolve the situation is because you care about the person and the team. Your courage in having the conversation demonstrates commitment to both.
Practical tips:
- Stay connected: remind yourself that the relationship matters.
- Clarify your intention: be specific about what you want to achieve before you start.
- Pick the right moment: choose a private, uninterrupted time and space.
- Be honest and clear: explain what needs to change, without vague hints.
- Be respectful of emotions: anticipate likely reactions and plan to handle them with care.
- Listen actively: give them space to share their perspective as it often shifts the dynamic.
Underperformers are often aware of the issue and may already feel anxious. The conversation, while uncomfortable, can come as a relief providing an opening to ask for support.
If it’s a temporary decline in performance, show empathy and set clear boundaries. Support where needed and ensure any accommodation has a time limit.
Will It Ever Be Easy?
Probably not. Essential conversations are rarely comfortable, but they are necessary. The sooner they happen, the better for both parties.
Strong, caring leadership means facing these challenges with honesty and a forward focus. Acknowledge the issue together and plan a positive way forward.
“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
The result? Stronger relationships, more openness, and healthier teams. Essential conversations build psychological safety and create cultures where accountability and care thrive side by side.
A Final Thought
At Chameleon Skills, we partner with leaders and teams to build the confidence and capacity to have these conversations. When managers learn to hold care and accountability together, it doesn’t just improve individual performance, it strengthens the whole ecosystem.
If you’d like to explore how to bring more of this into your leadership or team culture, let’s start the conversation.
Please contact us at Info@chameleonskills.com or visit our website for more information.